The Sailor Song by Gadsdens
I watch couples walk past, hand in another hand, and i ask myself how does that exactly feel? Does it feel like a child’s hands squeezed tightly by a mother’s warm hand? Does it feel the same?
Isn’t both the same… Afterall they come from love?
The troubles of singlehood are really catching up on me. For some reasons, i’m beginning to find myself looking for someone else. Eager to start a new relationship, and eager to feel another body’s warmth against my own again.
Yet i cannot deny how lacking i seem to be in terms of the love game. I’m a terrible player and in the first place, my pride has put in such a position that many think that i’m simply not in it. It kind of hurts because i am looking afterall. Who isn’t? And sometimes i do see someone who makes my heart skip a beat, but honestly, i just am never brave enough to approach.
There’s a fine line between pride and bravery. I have more of the former and lesser than the latter. Bravery comes upon me more as an impulse, and sometimes this impulse never gets the kick to start at all.
I hate it sometimes. I hate to fall asleep thinking about someone when that someone probably doesn’t know about my existence. I hate to hypothesize about what could have happen, what should have happened, what i could have done, what i might have done, what i should be doing, and what i could do tomorrow.
Questions popped endlessly.
There are like a blanket to keep me warm, from the coldness loneliness gives me. The more i think about these questions, the more warmth i feel, and yet at the same time i struggle with the insentivity of Loneliness, kissing the tips of my fingers till the end of my heart, reminding these are merely questions and not facts.
I asked but i do not do.
The truth is i want to be kissed. The truth is that you do want too.
We all want a kiss that seals everything. Seals our fate, seals our troubles – A silent pact made between two soft red cushions sitting on the chins.
Somewhere i silently wish that such a kiss will enlighten me, make me see my life backwards and forward all at once. Like a flash of your past stream across, and then a premonition of the future. A real kiss, seemed to symbolise that to me.
I hate myself all the times for not making things work. Like chances are there, but i just allow them to slip past me. My refusal to make eye contacts, my flippant attitude, and my wavering focus are all my underhanded methods in avoiding entering such situations. Irony, aint?
Yet my reasons are clear why i seem to live, better yet, embrace such an irony.
Past relationships, affair and current circumstances have put in such a bad disposition. Relationships that didn’t work out made me a lesser man than ever, affairs that gave me headaches over nights made me implore myself to love better wiser, and be more commited, and current circumstances just infuriate me when no one cares more than a smile.
My parents have seemingly made me feel a lesser human being by entirely building my life behind walls and telling me those outside, who chase their own dreams, are “some people”and that i am supposed to live only in expectations.
My pride naturally arose from that. My pride arose because i want to defend my principles. But its hard when everyone gives me expectations that i do not want to live up to. My pride is a natural human reaction of mine. And thus when someone comes along, claiming he/she can love me more, i wonder to myself how much do you mean by more? Because if so many strangers had walked past me subjecting me to only their prejudice, would you be any different?
Ultimately i expect my lover to love me by taking away my pride. Stripped me of that, and you find the naked boy.
But i don’t think anyone will ever do that. They wouldn’t dare. My pride and my charisma, do me in in this love game.
I just torture the players, when i empathetically want to play.
My empathy is just distraughting.
I can only laugh at my manners in such a fragile matter.
Eventually, single or married, or simply lovestruck, i guess what’s clear is that my card in the game of love is pride.
I’m willing to trade for any card, the problem is is there anyone out there willing to trade with me?
Pride isn’t a very obvious card, nor an excellent card to capture into anyone’s life deck. To accept it, is to only tolerate it’s impulsiveness to want to take control, to love it is to give up the rest of your cards and make it your only one.
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