Whitney Houston – I Look To You
These days i’d been looking. The stress has been overwhelming, and at times, i feel embarassed for falling asleep in the public, and uncontrollably drool.
I am so tired. I truly am. 6 hours, and frequently only 4 hours, i feel a sense of need to just fall and lie under the covers till several days passed.
But i know-I know that I can only truly rest, when i’ve succeeded in the virtue of duty and do my best to fufill this requirement my mother expects from her son ; Yes i have my own reasons already.
I pushed myself, not to the extreme – yet – , but to the point where i know i can be satisfied to say that i’ve reached thus far.
I’m remorseful for not being able to give everything, but i don’t wish to crack.
I cannot crack.
My life is still out there and i’ve not yet lived it.
So i cannot crack.
The stress might be overwhelming, yet there are moments of relief – when i reminiscene about my past, when i look to my past for solace;
Abruptly my senses become alive. I look at the sunlight and its glorious light floods me; I look at the sparrows and i remember how i loved to chase them and watch their wings burst into force and lift them off the air ;
and I look at all those kids, with that awe in their eyes,
With that innocence, that i’ve recently realised that i’ve let go -
You know there are points in your life where you feel as if you’ve shed something.
It is at this point that i really feel more of an adult than a kid.
The kids , strangers, are those who remind me of such a loss – Because i can not truly understand them anymore.
Its as i willed myself to another world, and their world of fairytales are no longer mine to keep.
I think everybody wishes to keep their childhood, their youth, and that innocence.
Innocence is a flightful beauty – Like a frosted glass, it sits behind it, and you know its beautiful, yet you can only get a vague idea of it when you realised that’s innocence – For the kids see innocence so clear because there lies no definitions nor boudaries for innocence to prosper.
If we choose to realised what we have, i guess most of the times we end up losing them – For we know them so well, it is hard for them to teach us something else.
I truly truly truly missed those times.
I truly do.
I’ve said it countless of times how brilliant my childhood was.
I cannot tell you how exactly how i feel for it.
But i do .
I do.
I closed my eyes and i realised how beautiful it was.
It makes my heart pang like nothing else.
That sense of connection, and yet that invisiblity and lost that remains.
That amalgam of emotions – Chokes me.
You know.
Sometimes i wonder whether do i have such a childhood.
For right now, everything seems so wrong.
Everything seems at a lost.
Thinking back, that feeling is there.
Yet it seems more ethereal than real.
It seems more intangible now.
I don’t want to let them go.
But i feel those memories fading already.
I’m afraid, one day i would forget,
and dwell only in thoughts that try to define the beauty already there in life.
I worry that i might suffocate myself from trying to hard when i already have it.
I miss it so much.
i miss it so so much.
I want to be pampered again. I want to live in that sheltered life.
I want to have my hair combed and told that everythings gonna be okay.
I want to wake up, and not have something to do – I want to wake up, and know that there’s something that i’ve not yet known out there to be done.
I think thats whats different from us and the kids.
They wake up with expectations of the world, and we wake up with the expectations of ourselves.
If fated, i would want a child in the future. I want to give everything that is in my capabilities.
I want to endow him with this perspective that i always had in me – A trooper’s spirit, a foresight for relief, and determined heart to seek happiness.
I want my child to be happy.
But then i realised – i did think about this before – perhaps the greatest love i can give to this child, is to not have him/her in the first place -
For then i can say, I loved you more than I could ever can.
Today i was reading the news. And i saw the front page for one of the news about a child facing a cancer, and the struggle between this mother and child.
The child feels fustration as well.
I think this kind of story is not uncommon.
It happens to the minority, but we cannot say it only happens to one unfortunate soul – The world’s troubles are shared.
I think if ever i was in that shoes of that mother, i know would be overwhelmed with remorse, pain, and worry.
I would probably hate myself too.
But i hope if ever that happens, i remember that Time is not forever in the first place.
And that if i truly love that child, I would do everything i can in that minimal time space to let him/her understand the true joy of life.
Perhaps then Death would be acceptable, for his/her Life has been lived.
I never believed in how long you can live.
I always believed it’s about how well you can live.
Wellness is not count by the years you have,
but by every minimal second you cherished- Thats how we see life as precious, thats how we continue to live life to the fullest.
I hope my child would not see Death as something to fear off – Because Death never meant for us to fear.
We only fear it because we are unable to comprehend it.
But the fact is, Hope can only lived when humans are unable to see that Light, and struggle to find it.
Its in that struggle that Hope reminds us, that one day, we will find it.
Death should be seen as merely another door opened.
Even if some might say it separates us from our most loved ones,
the question remains if you truly loved that person, how much more love can you give, how more can you love?
If you believe love as an absolute, a constant, than even a mere second is enough.
Love’s very essence is only understood in it’s absence.
Love’s very value is only appreciated upon another’s company.
But Love , what truly it is, is merely a terminology – The feelings is never captured by whatever we do, or whatever we try to do;
It is just there.
Just think about how you try so hard for someone else to love you, but if that connection not there, it will not happen for you.
Love is a matter of chance, it is not a matter of faith.
Love is the God not govern by Human’s reasons and not touched by Human’s efforts.
Love is a predestined.
Don’t push for it.
Don’t let it go, because it wasn’t yours in the first place.
It is in deepest wishes to see every children, if ever given that healthy path to live, will appreciate life as a medium for us to better gain a self-understanding, and perhaps a comprehension of the world.
But i know not every child gets that chance.
So i hope, its in my duty, our duty as the future generation,
to work hard and give them the chance,
and give for those who missed it,
a second one -
Because innocence even behind that frosted glass,
even at times when we think we lost it,
we can never deny that it’s only because we turned away and therefore we deem it as lost-
So just turn back.
There are moments in our life when we feel like a kid again.
That’s wrong.
We will never feel like a kid again.
We only say so, because we turned back and felt innocence.
Innocence, in my opinion, is not only the measure of childhood,
It’s the reminder of life’s offerings,
of which if we let go of the expectations of ourselves and embrace,
we get to see the world at a view, and appreciate where we are.
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